this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
