I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
