it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
