Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
