You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
