he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
