4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
