I hate your face
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
