Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
