do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
