I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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