we're chasing vodka with high fives
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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