U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
there is glitter all over my balls
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