If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
are you so shy because you have an std?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
