You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
