Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
