I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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