I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
