Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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