It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
