My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
