Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
