tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
