the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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