You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
