In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
