yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
