update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
