ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
