paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
