i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
