I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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