So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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