Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
