so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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