my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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