How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
