so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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