he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
