This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You left your phone here
Wait...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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