just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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