omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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