I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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