Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
