There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
