I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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