i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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