I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
