so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
