I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
