Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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