Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
